I am helpless. Life’s complicated intentions has rendered me inadequate to do anything. I think about her all the time, and yet, I am frozen in a vessel of self-doubt and ignorance. What do I know about what she is going through? Her illness makes me want to scream and pray all the time, but neither will change anything. I want to see her as much as I want to give her space. She is weighed down with the unknown from day to day, which may or may not include a future, a simple tomorrow.
My friendship, my support, lives doors away which can seem like miles apart. I do not want to be one of those people who looks at her with pity or checks in with her every day. I know she is a fighter to be admired not monitored. I want to be ushered into the intimate ugly part. The place where she can have doubt, curse and cry. It’s the important quiet time; a laugh, a hug, a kiss, a strong hand that can enrich the beautiful life she’s created. I can do that. However, I am reluctant to interfere with her most private battle where the grip of disease has held her mentally and physically hostage. That is the place where her partner will support and sooth her bringing her to a peaceful place of love and hope.
Please, sweet friend, know that I am here for whatever you need. I am selfish and want to do things for you to prove that I am worthy. I hope I am. To show you that before this curtain of darkness draped you, I was always good for a laugh, a cry, a hug and a smile. Or even a simple cup of coffee on a Friday morning under the shade of my tree in the breeze of my back yard.
I love you.