Month: October 2023

Life Topics

Thank You Kip

Jo Toale

I leaned across the table to grab his hand.  He had just told us another wonderful Tyke story and my heart was both melting and alive.  How precious to have such great memories of the child you lost.  A child who made it to adulthood but was taken too soon.  He showed no pain in his recollection, only compassion and love.  It was time I thought.  He has to write the screenplay.  The legacy must be told because this tender person grabbed life well before any of us understood what life was all about.  We would all be better people to learn from Tyke.  We would all be better.

 

I couldn’t get enough stories, as he glowed telling of a 12-year-old with great insight and candor.  It was like Tyke was an old soul knowing he wasn’t long for this crazy world.  He could see things no one else could see.  There was only so much time.  I only knew him through an article in the city paper, and his Dad’s stories.  But, oh, I wanted to know him.  I wanted his dad to bring him back to life somehow.

Francis Crowley the 4th was named Tyke.  I don’t know why his family named him that, but they did.  Only Kip could explain that.  I didn’t ask.  I did know, however, that he had a tremendous amount of adversity in his life between health issues and life issues.  Smart.  Yes, he was smart and accomplished only to be devastated with bad new and worse outcomes.

The mystery of Tyke absorbs me in a way I can’t explain.  Maybe because I am a mother who could not survive the death of a child.  I know I couldn’t.  Kip has not only survived but is comforted by a wealth of amazing memories.  I admire him for that.  I want him to share more because I think we all could learn from the words Tyke wanted to share.  He will continue to send messages to us from beyond, and I will continue to listen.  His book “Hungry for Air” is a promise he gave to us through himself and his wife.  I will read it cover to cover and discover things about him and his Dad that I never knew.

Thank you, Kip, for being a loving and sharing person, who opened up to us tonight to share a special place in your heart.  Most people wouldn’t do that.  I urge you to keep bringing up those memories for all of us to enjoy and endure.  He was obviously an amazing person who brought you joy and contentment into your life.  Please share that with us all so we can understand how to live our lives.  And, how to love ourselves and others.

Love you Kip.

Life Topics

The Helmet

Susan McLaughlin

At first, her room looks like a normal young lady’s bedroom but look closer and you get the sense its occupant is not a typical salty twenty-something. A small 8 X 10 box with lemon-ice walls and heavy sky blue curtains. On the windowed wall is a small video camera perched on the curtain road, pointed towards her bed and on either side of the windows are two painted portraits of her in the water that I painted several years ago. No Swifty or inspirational posters in sight.

On her dresser is an old friend; Curious George, a large stuffed monkey that she used to drag around, sans helmet, in our old hipster Portland neighborhood headed for the bus stop where she would wait impatiently for her father, practicing a new dance move she wanted to show him. “Mom watch, did you see, did I do it right?”

Her bedroom has evolved over the years depending on her abilities and interests. She has had baskets of toys, stuffed animals, picture books, glow-in-the-dark star stickers and times when it resembles a hospital room with boxes of special formula, iv pole, Hoyer lift, a bedside commode and an extra rolling cot when I add night nurse to my day job.

One constant has been a helmet hanging on her simple wooden bedpost. It is the first thing I put on her in the morning after her full-body stretch and the last thing I take off of her before I boost her sleepy body into her cozy bed and her grandmother and I  take turns smothering her with kisses. The colors have changed and for a brief time the usual soft helmet was replaced with a hard, rather clunky dark blue CCM hockey helmet equipped with a clear plastic face shield. The time she wore this reminds me of when her brain was out of control. Her drop seizures had increased and the sound of the hard hockey helmet thwapping the wooden floor, the drywall, the corner of tables was disturbing, the wretched soundtrack of that time.

The falls happened dozens of times a day. The helmet was worn 24 hours a day coming off only to wash her hair in the bathtub two times a week. So, after two hospital visits and a helmet that looked like it had been worn during a few Bean Pots, I knew it was time for her to have the brain surgery that I had been putting off for over 4 years. Surgery was done and now the beaten and broken helmet is wrapped and hidden in the back of her closet, out of sight.

She has been back to her soft purple helmet for two years now, still falling daily but much less frequently. It is covered in scuffs and scratches like a well – documented history of all of the times I failed her, when I wasn’t able to catch her.   It is  also a road map of her journey of  resilience and her ability to dust herself off and straighten her crown/helmet and move on.  

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VISIT SUSAN ON INSTAGRAM AT  sm_art88
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Life Topics

The F Word

Jo Toale

Faith is a deep, devoted belief in something that can, often, be intangible.  In religion faith is the foundation of everything.  There is no proof that God exists.  The prayers and scripture could be viewed as hearsay lacking witness or data to back it up.  Faithful practice and spiritual renewal can nourish and strengthen a person. Without strong commitment and devout belief, you may not be able to be part of any religion.  Faith is usually taught at an early age and fostered throughout your life.  As you learn faith in God, you realize it’s not just a commodity of the holy.  Faith applies to all facets of our lives.

Richard Wilbur (1921-2017), the country’s second poet laureate wrote “One does not use poetry…to organize oneself and the world, until one’s world somehow gets out of hand.”  He went on to say, “I feel that the universe is full of glorious energy…and that the ultimate character of things is comely and good.  I am perfectly aware that I say this in the teeth of all sorts of contrary evidence, and that I must be basing it partly on temperament and partly on faith.”

Wilbur’s optimistic view of the world is refreshing, based on his positive and good attitude.  He had faith despite “contrary evidence”, or popular belief.  Wilbur basically tells us, “Call me crazy, but I believe in good even though the world is going to hell.”  Positivity, or just plain looking on the bright side, can be a precursor to having the faith that you need to carry on in the face of adversity.

Growing up, I had faith in my parents, knowing that I would be fed, clothed, and taken care of.  I felt secure and safe.  Mom and Dad had expectations of us and we didn’t want to disappoint.  Their commitment to the family and God was unwavering.  Yes, we were required to go to church and expected to have faith in God.  This was a long process of learning ceremonial rituals and prayers.
However, my parents and religion were just the start of my understanding of faith.

As a parent, I have great faith in my children, knowing that they will do the right thing, make good decisions, and be caring individuals.  They’re not perfect, but they know right from wrong.  I raised them with little religion, but taught them the importance of being dependable, accountable, and kind.  Their character was of great concern to me.  I took my responsibilities seriously, as I tried to build sensible boundaries, follow through with consequences, while leading by example.  Good intentions, right?  Well, I messed up over the years and wasn’t always a good role model.  They saw through my mistakes with love and compassion resulting in mutual faith in each other.

Mostly though, I have faith in myself.  I fall down, but always get back up.  I have faced challenges head on, maybe with slight hesitation.  Change or confrontation can be very difficult.  I remember many times telling myself, often out loud, “you got this, you can do it.”  And, there were times when I had to trust someone I didn’t fully have faith in.  In that case, I would take a leap as they say, and hope for the best.

As Paul wrote in the bible, Philippians 4:8,  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”   

Yes!  Think about these important things because they will bring joy to your life.  Paul tried to open the minds of people in distress who needed to notice the important things, looking toward the Lord.  In addition, his message brings optimism and faith to those who were lost.  He asks them to think.  Open up your hearts to all that is beautiful.  Similarly, Wilbur’s secular viewpoint echoed Paul’s directive. He subtly admitted his naivete while expressing his feelings of faith in the goodness in the world.

Have a little faith, it’s a big world out there.  Enjoy all of it.

Life Topics

An Unlikely Friendship

Jo Toale

 

I could not stomach it any longer.  This marriage was making me physically and emotionally sick.  I never knew what I was up against from day to day.  Between the acrid verbal abuse, “why would you wear makeup, you’re so ugly anyway” and finally the threat of physical abuse there was no way to continue.  My life was a roller coaster controlled by his moods and behaviors. No one really knew what I was going through.  Although, I am pretty sure the kids knew.  They always know.  It was like I had a secret to tell, I wanted to blurt it out, but I didn’t have the guts to let on how miserable I was.  Deep down I wanted it to appear like we had a happy marriage, just pretend it was OK; until I couldn’t.  The last straw came when he called me a cunt in front of my children.  Through shock, disbelief, embarrassment, and rage, I balled up my right hand, reached back and swung.  I hit him square in the jaw and his 6’ 4” frame dropped to the floor.  I’m not proud of losing control but I was battered and defeated.  I then told the kids to get their jackets on, and “we are out of here.”  So, we left at night during a February snowstorm and never looked back.  It was the best decision of my life.

I eventually got on my feet after staying with my parents for 6 months.  They were incredibly supportive.  The divorce was a nightmare, of course, but not as bad as the marriage.  Slowly I gained mental strength and self-esteem.  He had me turned so inside out that it was hard for me to make simple decisions at first, and have the necessary confidence I needed to fully heal.  Thankfully that all changed. I took small yet bold steps to regain my life and get to a place of total independence.  I was no longer that woman who put up with his twisted views or gross negativity.  No one would ever step on me again.  No one.

As miracles would have it, he eventually remarried a few years later.  I wondered what kind of woman would fall for him.  And then I remembered how he could transform into a charming predator at will.  I naïvely and regrettably fell for that.  Maybe she was lured in unknowingly, or maybe she was as unbalanced as he was.  Either way, I was determined not to like her, and I didn’t.  Afterall, any friend of his was an enemy of mine. You are judged by the company you keep they say.  However, my life was in an upturn as I had met and fallen in love with my life partner.  The only thing I worried about was the time and influence she would have on my son.  Her character was a mystery to me, and I had deep concerns.

Eventually they had a child of their own, a baby girl.  I had to pretend that I cared about my son having a new sister so he would feel content and at ease.  He already had to put up with his father’s erratic behavior when he picked him up on weekends, shouting nonsense at me for no reason.  I didn’t want to add to my son’s stress by saying anything negative about his new sister, nor did I want to.  It turned out that he really liked his stepmother, without elaborating on it.  I think he didn’t want me to feel bad.  He also loved having a sister, he was no longer the baby in the family.  I had very little contact with the new wife, except for a few emotionally charged phone conversations.  She accused me of being “selfish” when discussing child support.  This woman was crazy.

Not surprisingly their marriage dissolved a few years later.  I wasn’t broken up about it.  Nobody could live with him.  Only now, not only a family was split up, but my son would also lose a sister that he loved.  Life continued with weekend visits from his father.  I didn’t give his situation a second thought, as it was none of my business.  However, I received a phone call a few years after the split up that changed my life.

My son’s estranged stepmother called me one winter day and asked if she could drop her daughter off to spend time with my son.  It was Thanksgiving.   At first, I was taken aback.  Afterall, here was this “crazy” woman asking me to entertain her daughter.  She was not family. What was I supposed to do?  I eventually agreed and talked to my partner.  He said, “why don’t you ask her to come along and join us too.  It’s such a long drive, why doesn’t she just stay.”  That was out of the question in my mind.  Why would I do that!  But the more I thought about it, I decided that it would be OK.  I would only have to put up with her for an afternoon if it made my son happy.  Not only did it make my son happy, but it was such a simple, yet brave, act of kindness on her part that I could not help but silently admire.  She decided to stay.

We eventually started seeing each other with and without the kids.  At first, I would tell my friends that I was hanging out with my Ex’s second ex-wife.  Then as time went on, I did not need to describe our situation.  There was no need.  We were becoming good friends on our own.  Her stories were my stories. Her life was my life.  We are kindred souls who have the same war stories, the same dreams and desires.  It was not all about the marriages.  Sure, we kibitzed about being married to him for a while, but then it turned into more; much much more.  If she never met my Ex then we would have never met.  And, thanks to her, our children will have a loving and solid relationship, growing up and growing old together.

I count her as one of my dearest friends.  We know what each other has been through and keenly understand it.  It’s mostly unspoken today.  Besides being a loving, patient, wonderful friend, she is my son’s mother as well.  Not a stepmother, a true and dedicated mother.  If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know if the kids would be in each other’s lives today.  If it wasn’t for her, I would have missed out on a “once in a lifetime” friendship.  I love her and will have her for the rest of my life, until death do us part.