I try to tame my wiry hair by running my shaking hand through it. There’s no way to make sense of this mop. Truthfully, I stopped trying a long time ago. I’ve been gray since I was 50, over a half a century ago! I have to chuckle because back then I felt old, having no idea. I am alone in the world now. My family is gone, my husband is gone, and I have only one child left who is in bad health. I brought him into the world when I was just 19 years old, and now he is about to turn 80 years old. My other son died suddenly 20 years ago, but I cannot talk about it because it pierces my heart whenever I do. I will put on some pink lipstick, as I’ve always done, and sit in my overstuffed floral chair by the bright window. Lowering myself backward carefully with bended elbows, hands on each chair arm, I slowly shift myself into place. Closing my eyes, I exhale a long breath. Today, I want to re-visit my life, endearing experiences, tragic mistakes, and joyful moments. See these ghosts that live with me in every breath. Have a conversation with a person who will turn out to be me someday. Advice after the fact and after a long time. Listen now.
You were careless and contrary. Do you know how much trouble you could have gotten into? You drove drunk in high school with a car full of friends. You lived only for the moment, the party, the thrill. Your Mom and Dad had guarded trust in you, and you stomped all over that. They gave you the keys to their only car. Were you unique in some way? Probably not. Teenagers don’t anticipate or truly believe in consequences. Punishment was like a far away shadow that doesn’t seem real, or really matter. Ignore it and have a good time you thought. So, what’s the problem? Your actions put you in a place of depravity. Be responsible and give yourself the grace that you owe yourself and others.
Have some self-respect and protect those you love.
You were oblivious and self-destructive. As you entered your twenties, you dated the wrong men. They were frequently handsome, funny, and overwhelmingly selfish. Craving the love you were missing in your life, you would often seek out carefree players. This would only contribute to your lack of confidence. You were very pretty, yes, and there was never a time you were without a companion. You were strong in many ways, but inside very weak. This downfall lead you down the wrong path as you weren’t being your true self. Until you met a controlling man who made you feel special, at least for a while. That marriage taught you so much. His voice rang in your head for years after it was over, “You’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re crazy.” He was a monster. You learned a lifetime of lessons.
Have self-worth and an undying spirit to fly anywhere you want.
You were inexperienced and ignorant. Raising your children was a struggle as a single mother. Making ends meet was very difficult. Every day was a battle to keep your head above water, racing to work, and racing home. They were brilliant children. They loved to play and hike and explore. We had so much fun together. But, you weren’t perfect by a long shot, no parents are. You would shout or lose patience without stopping to think. Think about how this made them feel. Punishing your son, and later finding out it was his father who told him to lie. You were devastated. It wasn’t his fault. You were a young mother with little resources to offer, only a heart full of love. Which is more than some parents have. You were scattered and unfocused much of the time, juggling work, dating, and children. Yes, you always put your kids first after sorting out other influences, other attractions.
Forgive yourself and others, focus on what’s important.
You were trusting and naive. After years of failed relationships, you met the man of my dreams. He checked all the boxes and then some. There were no lessons to learn, and you seemed to have it all together. But even a perfect situation deserved additional attention. The scars from your marriage ran deep and you had to relearn critical nuances in communication. He was loving and patient and brought out the best in you. He would challenge you and make you look within yourself. However, sometimes your baggage would disrupt an innocent conversation. It could be tough to understand what something meant, and that was confusing. You had never had a real partner before. There was nothing I would change about this choice; he brought you the happiness you deserved for so long. But, there was a learning curve where you needed to be more giving and open. Over time, you learned to dance together, feeding your emotions of joy through commitment. We had a happy marriage.
Invest in those you love, be vulnerable and honest.
I start to nod off in my chair as the sun shifts to early evening. There are more shadows in the room than light. My thoughts fade in and out, as I remember the sweet smile of my husband, and the laughter of my children. My heart aches for the happiness that spilled through my fingers, feeling grateful at the same time. All these memories bring me to a place that is almost unfamiliar. Time has dulled many details like the warmth of my parents’ hugs, the softness of my dog’s coat and the excitement of a first kiss. All I have is this room, this chair and these memories. This girl turned out okay without the guidance of an old woman. A woman who unrealistically thinks her life could have skipped heartache and pain. Emotions that helped build a foundation of who I would become, how I learned, and where I would go. This “advice” I wanted to give doesn’t really matter. It was her journey full of faults and mistakes that was predestined. I needed to fall along the way to have the strength to turn my head toward the light.
Have an open heart and live a good life.
