Tag: relationships

Life Topics

Mom

Jo Toale

It was the first visit without Dad.  They always came in a pair except now she’s “flying solo”.  I wonder if she can navigate without him.  Entering the room, she says a quick hello and rushes to the bathroom.  It was a long, snowy, lonely drive from the Cape for an 85-year-old.  As she left the room, I turned to Jamie frowning and told him I miss my Dad, with only my eyes.  He understood and nodded his head.  Dad has been gone for three months and now it was time to learn who this woman was to me.  Who we all were without Dad.

We were excited to have Mom visit but didn’t know what it would look like.  Dad would always make a joke or comment to take her out of her own head.  She could be bossy, nosy, critical and opinionated, not to mention stubborn.  Mom could also be very loving in a restrictive, lukewarm, guarded way as only an Irish Mother can pull off.  If I poured a glass of wine before 5pm on a Saturday, Mom would either make a slanted comment or give me the “hairy eyeball.”  He, on the other hand, would enthusiastically ask me if the wine was good inquiring like a Sommelier at a fine restaurant.  Dad accepted who I am with all my flaws.  I guess you could say that Dad was a buffer between me and my mother.  He always had my back.

We passed the time watching TV, shopping and eating.  She helped me with wedding plans and we attended Mass on Saturday (before I had my wine).  She only criticized me a few times.  Overall, we had a good time.  I’m starting to get to know that strong, willful person who raised me.  I never really took the time to get to know her before.  The way I see it, I have a choice.  I can reacquaint myself with Mom and get to a new level or continue to grieve a loss without looking forward.  We have a brand-new opportunity to reach out and define ourselves; become reborn in the shadow of death.  Even though she can irritate me, I do recognize that who she is makes her whole and beautiful.  If it wasn’t for her showing me strength and resilience, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I have to accept that the missing puzzle piece is gone forever.  The circle has been broken and has left a wide gap.  Is it up to Mom to fill the void?  No, she has her own place.  I was afraid that I wouldn’t know who she would be as a single person.  Now I’m realizing that she’s always been her own person.    I can see that navigating her way through life alone is not a problem for her.  She misses Dad but his absence is part of life, our life.  We didn’t talk about my father much during the visit, but he was there in our hearts and in the music of the wind chimes outside.

I love you Mom.

Life Topics

Big Love

Jo Toale

I have finally reached a place of love and peace in my life.  I lack nothing, nor do I need to search for something I don’t have.  I have everything I need or want.  There is no drama to divert me from reaching my happy place.  I feel insanely content and at ease in my once fragile heart.  I laugh, I learn, I thrive, I converse, I support, and I love.  Being with my partner has brought me to a place of strength and commitment that helps define who I am.  But it’s not the whole story.

The story starts when I met “Mr. Big”.  Not Kerry’s “Mr. Big”, MY “Mr. Big.”  I was 22 years old and was just looking to have a good time. I had had a string of bad relationships and wasn’t looking for a new disappointment. He was charming and quietly interested in my free spirit versus his buttoned-up demeanor.  Yet, there we were in a bar curiously attracted to each other.  I was there with my work friends after hours wiping the slate clean with cocktails and contempt, a bit disoriented.  I finally approached him and said, “I didn’t vote for you” which was one way of breaking the ice.  I don’t remember how he responded, but it started an inevitable conversation.

He became my teacher, and I was a voraciously student.  As we learned about each other, I realized that the façade that accompanies dating didn’t exist with us.  I could be myself, my honest, expressive and messy self.  To him I was funny and interesting on a level that no one had ever cared to recognize or acknowledge. It was astonishing to me at the time, that two very different people land in the same place.  I was starting to believe in myself and in fate.  Sure, I had dated good men with kind hearts in the past, but the timing was always wrong.  I wasn’t ready to let them in.  Being with “Mr. Big” prepared me for every relationship I would ever have moving forward.  He taught me how to love. And for that, I will always be grateful.

Decades later I sit quietly scrolling through Facebook late one night, and someone mentions “Mr. Big.”.  Memories flood back; some good, some bad.  I remember how outrageous I was with the breakup, my lowest point ever.  It wasn’t really me.  I was so messed up between having severe depressed for years and losing a person who I truly loved.  I remember him telling me at the end that he’d always be there for me.  Maybe just a formality.   It was such a waste for him to say that, to lead me to believe that.  The reality was that we both needed to move on to remain sane. No cliches necessary.  A clean unadulterated break would have been best, but we were so attached even while splitting up.  Things were complicated, and we lingered for much too long.

So, without thinking it through, I looked him up on LinkedIn and sent a quick, light whimsical note.  I said that I hoped he was well and that life was good to him.  Provided a short anecdotal overview of my whereabouts and finished with an invitation to get in touch with me.  Why did I do that?!?  Do I really want him to contact me?  Absolutely not!  I am in a good space, in a solid long-term relationship.  I felt like this could be construed as a sad and pathetic communication.  Dear Lord! It was a just a simple gesture of friendship and appreciation, checking in after all these years.  I wonder what he must be thinking!

I realize that I’ve glued together pieces of my past with sticky messy fingers in an effort to append, support or confirm who I am today.  My 22 year old self learned valuable lessons in loving others and loving myself.  Did “Mr. Big” really do all that?  Well, he may never know, but he got the ball rolling.  In my heart, I hope my partner was someone else’s “Mr. Big.”  Because since I’ve known him, he lovingly and naturally brings out the best in people, all people. If she’s out there, thinking about their special memories, she should check in.  He would be grateful and humbled to know in some way he was important in making her life better.

Thank you “Mr. Big” for helping me to find “Mr. Right.”